Generalized Anxiety (Part 2)

Being out of touch with one's experience of stress

In my practice, I have noticed that people with anxiety, and also addictions for that matter, tend to gloss over or actively try to change, any negative feelings that are arising. This is not just in areas such as traumatic memories, which may constitute psychological defenses that have likely been in place for a while, but particularly everyday stresses end strains. There is no question that increases in living stresses are not just highly correlated with anxiety (though not the same thing) but also with relapse in recovery from addiction. So all the more reason to put into place habits for us to acknowledge and respond constructively to increased stress before it gets to the point of relapse.

By stress, we mean primarily external sources of pressure, such as deadlines at work, arguments with a partner, even the holiday reason, which many experience as a time to get through, rather than a time of joy. This is something everyone experiences to some degree, and its not about getting rid of potential stressors - good luck with that - but developing constructive responses when stress does occur, especially over a period of time. And as a reminder, one of the biggest sources on internal stress, is of course perfectionism. The two are naturally connected: a meeting with my boss about my future (external) is likely to bring up critical self judgement (internal).

As with the other traits discussed, we start with awareness, being mindful and attuning to ourselves so that we can become aware when we are feeling bothered by something. For the anxious person and person in recovery, we are usually trying our best to feel better, so to allow uncomfortable feelings can be a difficult habit to get into. There is also the codependency angle, which is that we may find it easier to orient ourselves to the needs of others and minimize our own, and it can even feel a bit uncomfortable, or even selfish, to focus on ourselves in this way.

Along with distorting and limiting our lives (and aliveness) in the name of a supposed safety and security, being out of touch with negative feelings will mean we are out of touch with ourselves in general, so it can be difficult to know how we really feel, where we want to go with our lives. In my practice for example, one of the interesting things i have found with people who tend to be anxious, is that anger may be a particular source of discomfort and guilt. In fact, underneath the anxiety is often some sense of unexpressed anger or even rage. No less an authority than the the AA Big Book counsels us to carefully deal with resentments, said to be the biggest cause of relapse.

Anger is a very energetic phenomena, so if I'm trying to avoid this, its no wonder I might be a little apprehensive for no apparent reason. We cant step out of the way of feelings like we might an oncoming car as we cross the road, though we may definitely try to do so. In this matter of managing our feelings, I have heard it said that if you don't want it, you got it!

Usually the reasons for this can be found in in one's childhood, in the messages we received that anger wasn't "nice", and the consequent fear that if I am angry, I will face disapproval, or worse, loss of love. But if I am out of touch with myself, unacknowledged anger and resentment may really be affecting me in my relationships, and I won't know how to deal with it in a healthy way, such as learning to speak up in an assertive (not aggressive) way, and not regularly skipping over my own needs which can itself be a source of growing resentment, and overall anxiety.

It is not hard to see how this would also affect escapist behavior, such as addictions of all kinds. If I am living in a highly stressful situation, but not facing this, its hard to see how it can be dealt with in a constructive way. Being in touch with ourselves is the first step in emotionally regulating ourselves, because if we don't know how we're feeling, its hard to know what's bothering us and thus what to do about it. In short, how to shift from automatic reactivity to a more mindful response.

Being aware of when and how were are being affected by stress is where we start. Other proven interventions to reduce stress include our old friend meditation, other kinds of relaxation exercises such as walking in nature, listening to music, sharing with a trusted friend, and (perhaps in my experience the most helpful of all), regular exercise. Exercise is nature's destressor. And we needn't aim to run a marathon or pump more iron, though if we do, that will certainly be effective - though a regular, reasonably energetic walk will make a huge difference to stress, depression and anxiety as long as we commit to it regularly.

Need for Approval

Circling around again to our first trait, perfectionism, we might think of this not only as being in some way the core belief and source of the other traits, but also especially of the need for approval. Indeed, we might consider that the main way we become conscious of our underlying need to be perfect, is when it is pointed out to us that we aren't; in other words, when we make a mistake or others disapprove of us - or actually more often - when we worry we will be disapproved of. A common source of reactivity in everyday life is being criticized, whether we consider it fair or not.

It may get to the point in our lives where we can conceptualize a good portion of our lives as constituting a "disapproval minimization system", setting our life up to avoid their possibility at any cost; at the cost maybe, of a more fully lived life.

This issue is somewhat age specific - when we are younger it will be much more important for us to fit it, to be liked, as we navigate the formation of our own personal identity and feelings of self worth. You may have noticed that older folks may just not care so much anymore when they get to a certain age, and my suggestion would be, why wait until then?

A former clinical supervisor of mine when I was training, always used to tell me when I expressed fear about what someone might be thinking about me, "They're almost certainly not thinking about you right now, or if they are, they're thinking about what you might be thinking of them." Other people's inner life is similar to yours, wondering principally about their own issues, relationships, futures, etc., and others usually come into it somewhat secondarily, depending on the circumstances, of course.

I will discuss "cognitive distortions" in another post, but it will be useful here to outline a common one in the treatment of disapproval and social anxiety - "Mind reading." Imagine coming onto a room already full of people at a social event. Across the room you see someone you know, though not particularly well. You catch their eye, and suddenly they look away without acknowledging you, and return to their conversation. How does that make you feel? Insecure and a bit worried, perhaps, and you might be saying to yourself, "looking away means they don't want to talk to me, have I offended that person?", and even worse, "I guess I'm just not that interesting or likeable."

We can observe that this anxiety is created by our own thoughts, our own interpretation of the situation. But what if we're wrong, or our concern is exaggerated? Lets look at alternative explanations about why this person looked away; maybe they were engaged in the conversation and didn't want to seem rude, acknowledging someone else across the room, or maybe they're just shy themselves? We don't know for sure, and that's a big part of the point here, that we don't know, but if we tell ourselves negative things without much evidence, it might end up with us feeling anxious and leaving the event.

An appropriate behavioral response when we see our need for approval, is learning to clarify one's own needs and then to speak up for oneself, (as mentioned above, assertiveness). Neither passivity (not speaking up) nor losing one's temper at the other extreme, tend to be effective in dealing with others, and getting one's needs met. We'll feel better if we speak up sooner, we'll be valuing ourselves, for a start, whether or not voicing one's needs is "successful", though it surely makes it rather more probable. And finally, like every other practice recommended, we get better at it as we try it out, though it can be daunting at first to do it differently.

Conclusion

If you're anything like me, you may recognize yourself in these traits, and it may feel overwhelming, "this is too much, I can't deal with all of this!" The good news is that the work we are doing taking a meditative approach is about gradual self-acceptance. The more we struggle with these parts of ourselves, reject them, try to fix them, the more they seem to dig in. But if we allow ourselves to be where we are without so much judgement, and stop struggling with ourselves, it may become clearer that change is not about changing feelings, its about accepting ourselves as we are, and then changing behaviors, such as stopping drinking or reducing social withdrawal.

By this, we are asking: what do we actually have control over, our thoughts and feelings, or our actions? We don't really choose what emerges in our inner life, though if we are aware of what is going on, we can exercise the choice we do have in our response to what is arising. We can choose judgement and inner contraction, or we can choose openness, acceptance and kindness (non-judgment) towards ourselves. There will always be thoughts and feelings we don't like, but we can reduce struggling with, and rejecting, what is occurring.

We have considerably more choice in the directions we choose in life, our actions. Real change can begin to occur, if we accept our fraught emotions in that moment, but in addition take actions such as attending a meditation or 12-step group with a view to changing addictive habits, and beginning to live the life we are supposed to have. We don't need to fix ourselves and feel better before we embark on what is important to us, we can begin right now.